I’ve had the most amazing morning. I’ve been sitting here in my office, reading, praying and listening. I love days that are slow and allow me to be still and not run around with a long list of objectives. Today’s undisturbed and peaceful time has been refreshing. Of course it’s the beginning of a new year and that does lend itself toward re-evaluating and making lists of goals. I have to be honest; I’m not big on New Year’s resolutions. For years I would make a list and try to be spiritual by working my list and attempt to become a better person. And now? Well, I have goals, certainly, but I’m trying harder to listen to what God has planned for me and less “working” my own list. He sees the big picture of my life while I tend to have tunnel vision, not seeing beyond the week or month ahead of me.
I read and pondered on the two following verses this morning.
1 Corinthians 2:9
9However, as it is written:
"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him"
Ephesians 3:20
20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us…
In my limited thinking, I would probably reduce God’s plan for my life. His plans exceed my imagination. This loving Father, that I have a relationship with, has deposited in my heart via his Holy Spirit, the same power that raised Jesus from the dead. (Ephesians 1:18-20)
So with all that in mind, I’ve been quietly contemplating my year. It may be full of challenges, or it may be a relatively peaceful one. I have no way of knowing what my future holds. What I do know is this…if I walk with the Lord and really pour my heart into his – desiring to know his will and be like him, I can’t conceive the good things that are in store for me.
I have a few things that I hope will change in my character. I would like to be more secure and positive, I’d love to have the compassion in my heart to comfort hurting people that Jesus had, and I’d like to become more comfortable with my own emotions and demonstrating them to others. I think those are good characteristics to desire, but first and foremost, I want to walk with God this year and listen to what he has planned for me.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
God's Healing
The house is completely quiet tonight. The girls are with their Dad for a week and I’m alone and actually enjoying the peace a bit. What a difference a year makes. Last year was my first Christmas by myself and it was difficult to say the least. I cried a lot twelve months ago, longing for my past life and wishing things had never changed. I felt like I had been robbed…my life was stolen from me and I was bereft and lonely.
Circumstantially my life is pretty much the same as last year, I’m still a single mom spending part of the holidays alone, but it’s different – God has healed my broken places in ways that I could have only hoped for. I can’t really say exactly when the changes occurred, only that during times praying, reading, journaling and time being still or talking with friends, I began seeing myself the way that God sees me. For some time I had viewed myself as boring and average and somewhere along the way I started believing that I was somehow less than everyone around me. As God has peeled back layer upon layer of insecurity and lies, I have started seeing the beginning of a strong character. It was there all along, but I needed some help uncovering it.
I remember some time last year, one of my friends asked me what my dreams were for the future. I didn’t have an answer; I was still in survival mode at that point. Dreams? Dreams were for other women whose lives were more conventional than mine. I was 45 and starting over but with no dreams.
This past week I got to spend time with my family and I was able to have a couple of very good conversations. I was talking to my brother about some things I had hopes for – possible career goals that I’m considering and the dream of possibly writing a book. A year earlier I had cried as he held me because my children weren’t with me and I was completely at a loss as to how to survive the holidays, let alone the future. Now I’m seeing dreams beginning to form.
Psalm 30:1-3
1 I will exalt you, O LORD,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
2 O LORD my God, I called to you for help
and you healed me.
3 O LORD, you brought me up from the grave [b] ;
you spared me from going down into the pit.
I can only attribute this change to God. He is healing me – sparing me from the pit and desiring to lift me up out of the depths of my life circumstance and view. So on this quiet night, I am grateful for a Father full of compassion and power that can redeem a life and a heart and fill them with dreams and hope.
Circumstantially my life is pretty much the same as last year, I’m still a single mom spending part of the holidays alone, but it’s different – God has healed my broken places in ways that I could have only hoped for. I can’t really say exactly when the changes occurred, only that during times praying, reading, journaling and time being still or talking with friends, I began seeing myself the way that God sees me. For some time I had viewed myself as boring and average and somewhere along the way I started believing that I was somehow less than everyone around me. As God has peeled back layer upon layer of insecurity and lies, I have started seeing the beginning of a strong character. It was there all along, but I needed some help uncovering it.
I remember some time last year, one of my friends asked me what my dreams were for the future. I didn’t have an answer; I was still in survival mode at that point. Dreams? Dreams were for other women whose lives were more conventional than mine. I was 45 and starting over but with no dreams.
This past week I got to spend time with my family and I was able to have a couple of very good conversations. I was talking to my brother about some things I had hopes for – possible career goals that I’m considering and the dream of possibly writing a book. A year earlier I had cried as he held me because my children weren’t with me and I was completely at a loss as to how to survive the holidays, let alone the future. Now I’m seeing dreams beginning to form.
Psalm 30:1-3
1 I will exalt you, O LORD,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
2 O LORD my God, I called to you for help
and you healed me.
3 O LORD, you brought me up from the grave [b] ;
you spared me from going down into the pit.
I can only attribute this change to God. He is healing me – sparing me from the pit and desiring to lift me up out of the depths of my life circumstance and view. So on this quiet night, I am grateful for a Father full of compassion and power that can redeem a life and a heart and fill them with dreams and hope.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Consequences
I had a rough day with one of my children yesterday. She has become very disrespectful to me over a period of time and because I am busy and so often overwhelmed already, I have not dealt with this behavior in her. To my shame, I have not taken the time to teach her how important it is to respect people that God has put in authority over us. Yesterday it became apparent how badly I need to take care of this issue. We argued, I became frustrated, we yelled at each other and the day was shot. There were lots of tears and at the end of a long conversation I apologized to my daughter for not being a better parent and allowing her to continue in this behavior. And we talked about how I forgave her, but there would be consequences as a result of her lack of respect (as there will be on my end too, I suspect).
We have been talking about David in a series at church. Last week and today the focus of the sermon was on David’s sin with Bathsheba and the fall-out from that choice. The pastor spoke about the difference between forgiveness and consequence. So many times we sin, realize that we were wrong and then repent and are forgiven. The problem is that we think that the situation is then over. It could well be, or we could be forgiven and yet to experience the consequences of our sin. I believe this to be a bigger issue in our lives than we realize. Our sin, does in fact, breed consequences, even when we are completely broken and stand in a right relationship with God.
David’s life is such an example of this concept. After he committed adultery with Bathsheba and then had Uriah her husband murdered he was confronted by the prophet Nathan. (This takes place in 2 Samuel chapters 11-12) After David’s conversation with Nathan he is obviously repentant and broken of his sin. If you read in Psalms 51, his prayer of repentance after this talk, he begs God for mercy, realizes his sinfulness and desires a renewed sprit and heart. David understood the depth of his sin, but he also suffered the consequences for that sin in the years to follow.
In 2 Samuel 12:13-14 the Bible says, “Then David said to Nathan, "I have sinned against the LORD."
Nathan replied, "The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. But because by doing this you have made the enemies of the LORD show utter contempt, the son born to you will die."
The prophet Nathan, sent by God to have this conversation with David tells David the cost of his sin – his son will die. In fact, over the years David buries four of his own children. The consequences for him were huge even though he was forgiven.
There is something in our finite brain that struggles with this concept of consequence. We try to teach it to our children by disciplining them for their poor behavior, and yet I wonder if we really understand it ourselves as it relates to our Father. God forgives us (given we are truly repentant) and loves us deeply, but allows our sinful actions to play out in our lives. David was still used by God, loved by God and honored in the Bible as a man whose heart was like that of God, even while he suffered the penalty of the sinful choices he made. It will be the same for me, for my daughter and for all of us as we strive to be righteous and yet realize that part of the lessons we learn in this life will involve learning to deal with the fall-out from poor choices we have made along the way. I’m thankful that my Father loves me regardless, as I do my daughter, and will give me the strength to deal with even the consequences of my own poor decisions.
We have been talking about David in a series at church. Last week and today the focus of the sermon was on David’s sin with Bathsheba and the fall-out from that choice. The pastor spoke about the difference between forgiveness and consequence. So many times we sin, realize that we were wrong and then repent and are forgiven. The problem is that we think that the situation is then over. It could well be, or we could be forgiven and yet to experience the consequences of our sin. I believe this to be a bigger issue in our lives than we realize. Our sin, does in fact, breed consequences, even when we are completely broken and stand in a right relationship with God.
David’s life is such an example of this concept. After he committed adultery with Bathsheba and then had Uriah her husband murdered he was confronted by the prophet Nathan. (This takes place in 2 Samuel chapters 11-12) After David’s conversation with Nathan he is obviously repentant and broken of his sin. If you read in Psalms 51, his prayer of repentance after this talk, he begs God for mercy, realizes his sinfulness and desires a renewed sprit and heart. David understood the depth of his sin, but he also suffered the consequences for that sin in the years to follow.
In 2 Samuel 12:13-14 the Bible says, “Then David said to Nathan, "I have sinned against the LORD."
Nathan replied, "The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. But because by doing this you have made the enemies of the LORD show utter contempt, the son born to you will die."
The prophet Nathan, sent by God to have this conversation with David tells David the cost of his sin – his son will die. In fact, over the years David buries four of his own children. The consequences for him were huge even though he was forgiven.
There is something in our finite brain that struggles with this concept of consequence. We try to teach it to our children by disciplining them for their poor behavior, and yet I wonder if we really understand it ourselves as it relates to our Father. God forgives us (given we are truly repentant) and loves us deeply, but allows our sinful actions to play out in our lives. David was still used by God, loved by God and honored in the Bible as a man whose heart was like that of God, even while he suffered the penalty of the sinful choices he made. It will be the same for me, for my daughter and for all of us as we strive to be righteous and yet realize that part of the lessons we learn in this life will involve learning to deal with the fall-out from poor choices we have made along the way. I’m thankful that my Father loves me regardless, as I do my daughter, and will give me the strength to deal with even the consequences of my own poor decisions.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
God's Answer To Locusts
I recently sat down with someone who shared with me how she felt after living in an abusive marriage for many, many years. She’s never been physically bruised, but emotionally she is a battered woman – and has the emotional scars to prove it. She began telling me about Joel 2:25-26 and how this verse gave her hope about a future full of promise and hope. I hadn’t read this verse before but it spoke to me as well. This verse is about loss – and then the blessings poured out by God to redeem those losses.
Joel 2:25-26 (New International Version)
25 "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—
the great locust and the young locust,
the other locusts and the locust swarm —
my great army that I sent among you.
26 You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,
and you will praise the name of the LORD your God,
who has worked wonders for you;
never again will my people be shamed.
Living in an abusive relationship or even living through a time of great loss is like an attack of locusts. Your heart is decimated until there is nothing left and you feel as barren and lifeless as land pillaged by locusts. But, God being a compassionate Father, longs to comfort us and redeem our loss. I’ve seen this in my own life as he has poured our blessing upon blessing after what was a time marked by loss in many areas. I particularly love the last line in verse 26 which says, “never again will my people be shamed.” I felt shame for a long time, but as God kept pouring gifts into my life, I felt less and less shame and began feeling protected and cared for.
As I spoke with my friend she began describing life after leaving that abusive relationship. She described it as being in black and white and stepping into a gradual technicolor display of beauty or being set free from prison – and appreciating the world and everything in it so much more. Because of God’s grace shown to her through the support of her friends and family, she is blossoming into the person God has always intended for her to be. I’m glad I get to witness this transformation and am so grateful to be able to serve a God who desires to see us fulfilled and take away our shame.
The day after my conversation with her, I thought a lot about all that she had said –the heartache of the abuse and the freedom that she is now experiencing, and I wrote this poem for her. She asked me to share it on my blog in the hopes that someone may read it who is in an abusive relationship and they will be freed from bondage too.
The devastation complete
My soul stripped bare and naked
Coming to my senses
At this late stage
I am but a shell of who I should be
My heart has been
Invaded and pillaged,
Leaving desolation and grief
But all that has been stolen from me
is not my undoing
Your offering of freedom
Stirs my soul
And I grasp at the gift
With my whole heart
Desperate for the liberation
Which you freely offer
My heart, once held captive
By the heavy chains of emotional bondage
Chose to escape
And hope embraces me
Today I stand in the midst of beauty
With tear filled eyes
Astonished by your gracious display of
Unconditional love
The sounds, sights and feelings
Of sweet redemption
Are overwhelming to my sated heart
I raise my hands and eyes
To praise you
As I stand transformed
Joel 2:25-26 (New International Version)
25 "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—
the great locust and the young locust,
the other locusts and the locust swarm —
my great army that I sent among you.
26 You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,
and you will praise the name of the LORD your God,
who has worked wonders for you;
never again will my people be shamed.
Living in an abusive relationship or even living through a time of great loss is like an attack of locusts. Your heart is decimated until there is nothing left and you feel as barren and lifeless as land pillaged by locusts. But, God being a compassionate Father, longs to comfort us and redeem our loss. I’ve seen this in my own life as he has poured our blessing upon blessing after what was a time marked by loss in many areas. I particularly love the last line in verse 26 which says, “never again will my people be shamed.” I felt shame for a long time, but as God kept pouring gifts into my life, I felt less and less shame and began feeling protected and cared for.
As I spoke with my friend she began describing life after leaving that abusive relationship. She described it as being in black and white and stepping into a gradual technicolor display of beauty or being set free from prison – and appreciating the world and everything in it so much more. Because of God’s grace shown to her through the support of her friends and family, she is blossoming into the person God has always intended for her to be. I’m glad I get to witness this transformation and am so grateful to be able to serve a God who desires to see us fulfilled and take away our shame.
The day after my conversation with her, I thought a lot about all that she had said –the heartache of the abuse and the freedom that she is now experiencing, and I wrote this poem for her. She asked me to share it on my blog in the hopes that someone may read it who is in an abusive relationship and they will be freed from bondage too.
The devastation complete
My soul stripped bare and naked
Coming to my senses
At this late stage
I am but a shell of who I should be
My heart has been
Invaded and pillaged,
Leaving desolation and grief
But all that has been stolen from me
is not my undoing
Your offering of freedom
Stirs my soul
And I grasp at the gift
With my whole heart
Desperate for the liberation
Which you freely offer
My heart, once held captive
By the heavy chains of emotional bondage
Chose to escape
And hope embraces me
Today I stand in the midst of beauty
With tear filled eyes
Astonished by your gracious display of
Unconditional love
The sounds, sights and feelings
Of sweet redemption
Are overwhelming to my sated heart
I raise my hands and eyes
To praise you
As I stand transformed
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Tis The Season
Tis the season…to be thankful. I love Thanksgiving so much because it’s all about attitude and being with people you love. The holiday in and of itself isn’t hyped, so it’s easy to overlook. What comes after the antics and party of Halloween? In a lot of peoples’ minds it’s Christmas. And I admit, as a young person I felt much the same way – why waste time on a holiday where there was no gift-giving or party? Now that I’m older, and hopefully a bit wiser, Thanksgiving has become one of my favorite times of year.
My list this year is LONG, not my Christmas list, but my list of things that I’m grateful for. I’m so blessed. My life has become a little less chaotic and I’ve seen God moving so obviously that I’m trying to take it all in and be grateful for the big and the small things. I could write a whole blog on all the ways I’m thankful for my relationship with God (and I might do just that) but today I’m overwhelmingly grateful for my friends. It is clear that s God has given me amazing friends to share my life with.
I’ve had a blast the past 24 hours. One of my girlfriends who has a family of all males decided to have a little girl fix and come stay the night with my girls and me. We had dinner out, went shopping and then stayed up late into the night talking. Then this morning I got to have breakfast with another sweet friend that I don’t get to see nearly often enough. So because of that I’m feeling very filled up and grateful.
I’m extremely grateful for my four closest friends and the qualities each one of them brings to our relationship.
•One of them is incredibly loyal. She has served me and been available both emotionally and physically more often than not. It’s one of her most endearing qualities – and there are many.
•Another friend has made my girls and I part of her family. We are invited to holiday gatherings, dinners and get-togethers. She has shared her family with me and since I live in a city with no other family, this has been huge for me and my girls.
•I’m fortunate to be the recipient of the wisdom of my third friend. She has counseled me and been my spiritual mentor the past few years. Her wisdom has helped me tremendously.
•And finally, my best friend. She’s my kindred spirit, and the sister I always longed for and got to choose. We share a similar passion for God, for music and love for good books and meaningful lyrics and so many other things.
As I’ve gotten older I have come to realize that “stuff” just doesn’t mean much to me. Time spent with people that I love moves my heart in a way that I cannot adequately express. The people in my life that fill my day to day with love and joy and experiences are what I am most thankful for this year.
My list this year is LONG, not my Christmas list, but my list of things that I’m grateful for. I’m so blessed. My life has become a little less chaotic and I’ve seen God moving so obviously that I’m trying to take it all in and be grateful for the big and the small things. I could write a whole blog on all the ways I’m thankful for my relationship with God (and I might do just that) but today I’m overwhelmingly grateful for my friends. It is clear that s God has given me amazing friends to share my life with.
I’ve had a blast the past 24 hours. One of my girlfriends who has a family of all males decided to have a little girl fix and come stay the night with my girls and me. We had dinner out, went shopping and then stayed up late into the night talking. Then this morning I got to have breakfast with another sweet friend that I don’t get to see nearly often enough. So because of that I’m feeling very filled up and grateful.
I’m extremely grateful for my four closest friends and the qualities each one of them brings to our relationship.
•One of them is incredibly loyal. She has served me and been available both emotionally and physically more often than not. It’s one of her most endearing qualities – and there are many.
•Another friend has made my girls and I part of her family. We are invited to holiday gatherings, dinners and get-togethers. She has shared her family with me and since I live in a city with no other family, this has been huge for me and my girls.
•I’m fortunate to be the recipient of the wisdom of my third friend. She has counseled me and been my spiritual mentor the past few years. Her wisdom has helped me tremendously.
•And finally, my best friend. She’s my kindred spirit, and the sister I always longed for and got to choose. We share a similar passion for God, for music and love for good books and meaningful lyrics and so many other things.
As I’ve gotten older I have come to realize that “stuff” just doesn’t mean much to me. Time spent with people that I love moves my heart in a way that I cannot adequately express. The people in my life that fill my day to day with love and joy and experiences are what I am most thankful for this year.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
God's Sovereignty
Today I’m thinking about God’s sovereignty. Days when bad news hits or the reality of life just seems a bit hard to take, it’s comforting for me to realize that God knows all, and his knowledge transcends time and circumstance. My dearest friend is separated from her husband right now, and she’s hurting. Because I’ve experienced that same hurt not so long ago myself, I feel like I’m reliving some of the pain with her up close and personal. I got a call today that one of my old friends has been diagnosed with Leukemia. She’s going to spend the next six weeks in the hospital fighting for her life. This is one of those days when I feel the darkness. There is a lot of sadness and hurt all around us and unfortunately that is just the reality of life in this fallen world.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding: in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. “ Prov 3:5
I sit here feeling this heaviness, yet knowing that I do not see and understand all that God does. My understanding and view is limited by time, emotion and sin. Even when I’m feeling close to God and am “tuned in” spiritually, my thinking is still from a worldly perspective. I could be angry, but I have no idea how God can and could be using these very difficult circumstances to bring himself glory or to prosper me in some way. Only God can see without time and situation and sin affecting his plans. Listen to how God answers Job and his friends when they do not trust his motives or the circumstances that God allows to enter Job’s life in Job 38:1-7.
Job 38
The LORD Speaks
1 Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:
2 "Who is this that darkens my counsel
with words without knowledge?
3 Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
4 "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
6 On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone-
7 while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels shouted for joy?
There are three chapters at the end of the book of Job where God lists reasons why he is sovereign and we are not. It is humbling and sobering to read. I need to trust in God’s understanding and not my own. Life in this fallen world is difficult and full of painful situations and things I don’t understand – period. I guess I don’t really have to understand I have to learn to trust with childlike faith. I realize that if I truly believe God and his promises, then I know that even in the midst of tragedy and pain, he has already made plans for me and those I love to prosper both here during this life and in the life to come - more than I can even imagine (Ephesians 3:20).
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding: in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. “ Prov 3:5
I sit here feeling this heaviness, yet knowing that I do not see and understand all that God does. My understanding and view is limited by time, emotion and sin. Even when I’m feeling close to God and am “tuned in” spiritually, my thinking is still from a worldly perspective. I could be angry, but I have no idea how God can and could be using these very difficult circumstances to bring himself glory or to prosper me in some way. Only God can see without time and situation and sin affecting his plans. Listen to how God answers Job and his friends when they do not trust his motives or the circumstances that God allows to enter Job’s life in Job 38:1-7.
Job 38
The LORD Speaks
1 Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:
2 "Who is this that darkens my counsel
with words without knowledge?
3 Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
4 "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
6 On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone-
7 while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels shouted for joy?
There are three chapters at the end of the book of Job where God lists reasons why he is sovereign and we are not. It is humbling and sobering to read. I need to trust in God’s understanding and not my own. Life in this fallen world is difficult and full of painful situations and things I don’t understand – period. I guess I don’t really have to understand I have to learn to trust with childlike faith. I realize that if I truly believe God and his promises, then I know that even in the midst of tragedy and pain, he has already made plans for me and those I love to prosper both here during this life and in the life to come - more than I can even imagine (Ephesians 3:20).
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Memories Of An Old Friend
There is something about this time of year that is almost magical for me. As I sit or walk outside, feel the coolness in the air, and smell the leaves, I’m transported back in time. For some reason memories just seem more vivid to me during autumn. Tonight I have the rare occasion to be completely alone, so I lit some candles, poured a glass of wine and am letting the memories just have their way.
Twenty-seven years ago this month, a very close friend of mine died when the car in which she was a passenger was hit by a train. She was a sophomore in college – just starting her life. That day changed me in a way that no other event ever has. It was my first real experience with tragedy. I looked through old boxes of keepsakes tonight and found the “Jenny” box…filled with the cards and letters that she gave me and all the newspaper clippings about her death. I have a book of poems that she had written and a couple of things that were special to her that her parents had given me – I hadn’t pulled them out in years. Tonight, though, I felt compelled. I’m not dwelling on the sadness that I experienced when she died, I just wanted to think about my friend and all the ways her friendship changed my life for better.
A few things changed in me on the other side of my grief. I began to understand what it means to share my heart with God. Before that my prayers were shallow and I was afraid to express true emotions. I was so angry after Jen died that I either had to share that anger or be superficial and fake. In the Psalms, David was completely honest and open with his true emotions. I didn’t see or understand his expressiveness until I was in a position to be furious at God and to have to work through those emotions honestly with him in prayer.
I also realized that when I was having a hard time actually understanding my emotions, that if I wrote my feelings out in a journal or a poem they would usually sort themselves out. I wrote my first poem the day after Jenny died. Writing and journaling continue to be a sort of therapy for me. My books of poetry are my life’s journal.
And finally, I realized the value of friendship. I am much more grateful for my friends and try my best to make sure that they know how much I care for them. Jenny was always leaving notes or sending cards or showing how much she cared in little ways. She had written me a card the night before she died…just to let me know she loved me. I still have it, of course. Those small yet meaningful gestures she made really stuck with me and have instilled in me a desire to do the same for those I love.
I still have a photograph of Jen that I took the week before she died. It sits on my bookshelf and I see it all the time. For someone I knew for a short time, she had a profound impact on me.
It happened on a day like this
The sun was bright
The leaves were vibrant in color
The air had the feel of autumn
That is unmistakable
I was young and carefree
This time of year takes me back
The years have been many
And my perspective has changed
I remember the innocence
Of a young soul
That touching mine
Gave my soul more depth to it
Life was no longer as simple
But it became more precious
And the people in it
More valuable
And so to you
Friend of years past
Thank you
For gently shaping
My soul
Twenty-seven years ago this month, a very close friend of mine died when the car in which she was a passenger was hit by a train. She was a sophomore in college – just starting her life. That day changed me in a way that no other event ever has. It was my first real experience with tragedy. I looked through old boxes of keepsakes tonight and found the “Jenny” box…filled with the cards and letters that she gave me and all the newspaper clippings about her death. I have a book of poems that she had written and a couple of things that were special to her that her parents had given me – I hadn’t pulled them out in years. Tonight, though, I felt compelled. I’m not dwelling on the sadness that I experienced when she died, I just wanted to think about my friend and all the ways her friendship changed my life for better.
A few things changed in me on the other side of my grief. I began to understand what it means to share my heart with God. Before that my prayers were shallow and I was afraid to express true emotions. I was so angry after Jen died that I either had to share that anger or be superficial and fake. In the Psalms, David was completely honest and open with his true emotions. I didn’t see or understand his expressiveness until I was in a position to be furious at God and to have to work through those emotions honestly with him in prayer.
I also realized that when I was having a hard time actually understanding my emotions, that if I wrote my feelings out in a journal or a poem they would usually sort themselves out. I wrote my first poem the day after Jenny died. Writing and journaling continue to be a sort of therapy for me. My books of poetry are my life’s journal.
And finally, I realized the value of friendship. I am much more grateful for my friends and try my best to make sure that they know how much I care for them. Jenny was always leaving notes or sending cards or showing how much she cared in little ways. She had written me a card the night before she died…just to let me know she loved me. I still have it, of course. Those small yet meaningful gestures she made really stuck with me and have instilled in me a desire to do the same for those I love.
I still have a photograph of Jen that I took the week before she died. It sits on my bookshelf and I see it all the time. For someone I knew for a short time, she had a profound impact on me.
It happened on a day like this
The sun was bright
The leaves were vibrant in color
The air had the feel of autumn
That is unmistakable
I was young and carefree
This time of year takes me back
The years have been many
And my perspective has changed
I remember the innocence
Of a young soul
That touching mine
Gave my soul more depth to it
Life was no longer as simple
But it became more precious
And the people in it
More valuable
And so to you
Friend of years past
Thank you
For gently shaping
My soul
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