Today I am overwhelmed with thankfulness. I haven’t won the lottery, a trip to Hawaii or been offered something other than my minivan to drive. I’ve had a couple of quiet hours to sit here on my porch to read and pray and realize how very fortunate I am. I have a wonderful house to live in, a good job, amazing friends, a loving family and the list goes on and on. Yes, there are some hard things too – but that makes me normal. Everyone has difficult things to deal with at some point in their lives. One of the keys for me has simply been to recognize that even when I was at a low point, God still cared for me in so many ways.
When I was in the midst of a particularly difficult few months, my best friend and I would exchange emails listing the top 10 things we were grateful for that day. It helped me to keep things in perspective. Yes life was hard, I was emotionally drained and the drama seemed to drag on forever. But, when I took a few minutes to be grateful for all the many things that were good and ways I was blessed, my heart softened and I felt thankful. The list kept me grateful.
I love Psalm 16 because it’s about taking refuge in God and his loving care. I am particularly drawn to verse 6. In the midst of my sadness I didn’t feel as though I had landed in a good place, but now looking back I see that all along God had his protective hands around me, guiding me to just the right spot emotionally, physically and spiritually. Indeed, my boundaries have fallen in very pleasant places.
Psalm 16
1 Keep me safe, O God,
for in you I take refuge.
2 I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing."
3 As for the saints who are in the land,
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight. [b]
4 The sorrows of those will increase
who run after other gods.
I will not pour out their libations of blood
or take up their names on my lips.
5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
8 I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
10 because you will not abandon me to the grave, [c]
nor will you let your Holy One [d] see decay.
11 You have made [e] known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Life is hard!! There seems to be loss at every turn – job loss, the death of a loved one, an empty nest, a divorce, or an estranged relationship or ___________ (fill in the blank). Difficulties come in so many forms. Take a few minutes next time you are in the midst of personal crisis and make a list of the top 10 things you are grateful for – it may change your perspective a bit. Here is my list today.
1. Time to be still this morning
2. A beautiful day
3. The sound of wind chimes
4. A phone call with my best friend
5. Happy children
6. A vehicle that is paid off
7. Reconnecting with old friends
8. Pretty flowers on my porch
9. An upcoming vacation to the beach
10. The view from my porch
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Be Still
There is a big party going on at the neighbor’s house down the hill. I can hear the sounds of laughter and fun in the air. I’ll probably venture down later on to be social and see some old friends, but right now the silence feels like an old sweatshirt – cozy and comfortable – and I can’t bear to pull myself away from the sanctuary that my porch provides. I need time alone today to recharge my heart and connect with the Lord. More and more often I long for time to be still; whether I’m reading, journaling, praying or simply sitting on my porch listening to the birds. I need that time to process what goes on in my day to day life and to let my soul recharge.
Jesus understood the need to be alone as well. In John 6 we read that Jesus spent part of the day teaching a large crowd of people and then, not wanting to turn them away hungry, he fed five thousand. After spending time giving to the people, it says in John 6:15, “Jesus, knowing that they intended to come and make him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by himself.” He needed time alone, time with his Father and a chance to be renewed. In the next verse it mentions that later that evening, he met up with the disciples. We don’t know exactly how long he was off by himself, but the impression I get is that it was a good chunk of time – perhaps even a few hours. Jesus took time to be alone other times as well, leaving the disciples or getting up early to find time to be on his own. Even Jesus, the perfect Son of God, needed time alone and with his Father in order to be spiritually whole and refreshed.
Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
I am learning to be still and in my times of quiet I have realized that in stillness there is the possibility of depth. Without quiet, or time for introspection and listening, relationship can become distorted, performance oriented and shallow. This is true in our relationships with one another (there has to be time to talk, connect and listen to each other), and also in our relationship with God. My most moving and intimate time with the Lord is when I have a day or so alone and I’m able to pray, sit quietly, or simply take time to write for long periods of time. That is my form of worship. That is what connects me to Him, and helps me to grasp who He actually is. I long to give my heart the opportunity to grow and become mature by embracing solitude.
I can still hear voices and laughter drifting up the hill. Perhaps later on I’ll go down the hill and say hi, but for now I’m content to be here alone and enjoy the stillness.
Jesus understood the need to be alone as well. In John 6 we read that Jesus spent part of the day teaching a large crowd of people and then, not wanting to turn them away hungry, he fed five thousand. After spending time giving to the people, it says in John 6:15, “Jesus, knowing that they intended to come and make him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by himself.” He needed time alone, time with his Father and a chance to be renewed. In the next verse it mentions that later that evening, he met up with the disciples. We don’t know exactly how long he was off by himself, but the impression I get is that it was a good chunk of time – perhaps even a few hours. Jesus took time to be alone other times as well, leaving the disciples or getting up early to find time to be on his own. Even Jesus, the perfect Son of God, needed time alone and with his Father in order to be spiritually whole and refreshed.
Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
I am learning to be still and in my times of quiet I have realized that in stillness there is the possibility of depth. Without quiet, or time for introspection and listening, relationship can become distorted, performance oriented and shallow. This is true in our relationships with one another (there has to be time to talk, connect and listen to each other), and also in our relationship with God. My most moving and intimate time with the Lord is when I have a day or so alone and I’m able to pray, sit quietly, or simply take time to write for long periods of time. That is my form of worship. That is what connects me to Him, and helps me to grasp who He actually is. I long to give my heart the opportunity to grow and become mature by embracing solitude.
I can still hear voices and laughter drifting up the hill. Perhaps later on I’ll go down the hill and say hi, but for now I’m content to be here alone and enjoy the stillness.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
The Choice To Forgive
Last week in my personal bible study time, I read about obedience and forgiveness. It was good, and obviously, there is always room to learn about both of those potentially weighty topics. I felt my heart drawn to the passages on obedience more so than that of forgiveness. It’s funny the difference a week can make.
I’ve been exchanging emails with someone who is a struggle for me. It’s not a daily struggle, but things come up and I am hit with a situation or two and it brings back feelings that I know are not good. Overall, I’ve just decided to live my life and let God deal with injustice and the wrongs I may have suffered, but there are times when I am tested. And it doesn’t even take much – a simple comment, email or conversation from them and I find my heart racing, anger rises and that feeling that I have somehow been marginalized once again.
Today I was confronted with my choice to forgive or be bitter. Initially I wanted to be bitter, I really did. I was so angered by an email that really wasn’t that bad, but with tears welling up in my eyes I felt myself battling not just irritation but a deep resentment. I sat there and prayed, talked it through with a friend or two and then came home and sat down to pour over scriptures hoping they would speak to my heart. I know one thing for certain; I do not want to be full of hatred. Sin will lead to my destruction and there is no reward in a heart full of anger or bitterness. That has been a belief I’ve repeated over and over to myself and I’ve continued to cling to it. I’m not where I need to be yet, but these are the scriptures that are helping me today:
Hebrews 12:14
14Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.
Mark 11:25
25And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."[a]
Psalm 9
1 [a]I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart;
I will tell of all your wonders.
2 I will be glad and rejoice in you;
I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.
3 My enemies turn back;
they stumble and perish before you.
4 For you have upheld my right and my cause;
you have sat on your throne, judging righteously.
Read this great quote by Carole E. Smith of the Atlanta Counseling Center:
“We cannot know God fully until we know who we are and what has formed us. We do not go to God despite the sin perpetrated upon us. We go to God because of it, and we must take it to God held in both hands, known by heart and seen with both eyes. That is when we can hand it over. That is when we can forgive our abusers.”
Forgiveness is a process – one decision after another to be righteous. For me, today’s decision is for forgiveness and trust that my Father is my best, holy and only true advocate. He expects and desires me to give this heartache over to him. As he has forgiven me, I have to make that same decision to be gracious at times. And so tonight….a long walk, a heart lifted in prayer and a willingness to stay out there until I can be at peace with it all.
I’ve been exchanging emails with someone who is a struggle for me. It’s not a daily struggle, but things come up and I am hit with a situation or two and it brings back feelings that I know are not good. Overall, I’ve just decided to live my life and let God deal with injustice and the wrongs I may have suffered, but there are times when I am tested. And it doesn’t even take much – a simple comment, email or conversation from them and I find my heart racing, anger rises and that feeling that I have somehow been marginalized once again.
Today I was confronted with my choice to forgive or be bitter. Initially I wanted to be bitter, I really did. I was so angered by an email that really wasn’t that bad, but with tears welling up in my eyes I felt myself battling not just irritation but a deep resentment. I sat there and prayed, talked it through with a friend or two and then came home and sat down to pour over scriptures hoping they would speak to my heart. I know one thing for certain; I do not want to be full of hatred. Sin will lead to my destruction and there is no reward in a heart full of anger or bitterness. That has been a belief I’ve repeated over and over to myself and I’ve continued to cling to it. I’m not where I need to be yet, but these are the scriptures that are helping me today:
Hebrews 12:14
14Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.
Mark 11:25
25And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."[a]
Psalm 9
1 [a]I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart;
I will tell of all your wonders.
2 I will be glad and rejoice in you;
I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.
3 My enemies turn back;
they stumble and perish before you.
4 For you have upheld my right and my cause;
you have sat on your throne, judging righteously.
Read this great quote by Carole E. Smith of the Atlanta Counseling Center:
“We cannot know God fully until we know who we are and what has formed us. We do not go to God despite the sin perpetrated upon us. We go to God because of it, and we must take it to God held in both hands, known by heart and seen with both eyes. That is when we can hand it over. That is when we can forgive our abusers.”
Forgiveness is a process – one decision after another to be righteous. For me, today’s decision is for forgiveness and trust that my Father is my best, holy and only true advocate. He expects and desires me to give this heartache over to him. As he has forgiven me, I have to make that same decision to be gracious at times. And so tonight….a long walk, a heart lifted in prayer and a willingness to stay out there until I can be at peace with it all.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Overcoming Fear
I was thinking about fear this morning. I struggle with it – I’m guessing everyone does at some level. One of my biggest fears is the fear of rejection. It is a large part of my emotional make-up. I tend to enter into a relationship with the knowledge that I may very well be rejected. I know it sounds somewhat desperate, and yet it is the core of who I am. It’s one of the things that I am laying before God – hopeful to change. Given that it is one of my prevalent fears, and that I was discarded by the closest, most intimate relationship I ever had, you can see how this would potentially haunt me.
I’ve discovered, too that there are different levels of fear and overcoming it. I have learned to trust God in the big areas, because clearly he has rescued me and cared for me in ways I never even dreamed he would. It has given me faith and built my trust. Yet what I’m seeing is that even in the smaller areas, I am still apprehensive –careful not to put myself into a position where I could be rejected or demeaned in any way. I guess this is part of my journey of walking with the Lord; learning the lesson and then having it reinforced over and over in smaller ways. I am determined to learn this and experience God’s power in my life in every way possible.
I watched a friend overcome a big fear recently. And while we laughed about it afterward, I’ve not been able to stop thinking about it. My friend and I had the opportunity to go zip-lining – something I have done before and loved – and something that she had wanted to try. Knowing she had a fear of heights, I wondered how she was going to do with the launch on the very high platform. I went first and when I got to the top and saw her climbing the rope ladder I knew she was terrified. Fear was in her eyes, her body language and clearly this was out of her comfort zone. But she did it anyway; partly because once she had started up, she felt that she couldn’t go back down – the quickest way out of the situation was to plough through it. But regardless of her reasoning, she met her fear, pushed herself and conquered it.
I think of Mary. I know she overcame many fears in her life. Initially, a young woman full of trepidation – she was giving birth to God’s son, and all the implications that came along with God’s decision to use her in the ways that he did. She clearly overcame those initial doubts as she surrendered to God’s will.
Luke 1:37-38 “37For nothing is impossible with God." 38"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said."
Throughout her son’s life I’m sure that she had situations where she was confronted with the decision to be faithful or fearful. When Jesus was lost on their trip returning from Jerusalem for the Feast of the Passover it says in Luke 2 that Mary and Joseph were anxiously searching for him – they were fearful. Also, at a later point, it says that she and her other sons were trying to pull Jesus away from the crowds. My guess is that this action was motivated by some sort of fear. I feel a connection with Mary knowing that while overall she was very faithful, even after that decision to trust the Lord in her overwhelmingly stressful situation, she still faltered throughout her life.
I’m going to continue to trust God is the big areas that I am uncertain about, but also in the smaller areas that cause me to occasionally react irrationally. And when I falter, I’ll think of Mary or various friends around me who have overcome big and small fears in their lives. I’m in good company.
I’ve discovered, too that there are different levels of fear and overcoming it. I have learned to trust God in the big areas, because clearly he has rescued me and cared for me in ways I never even dreamed he would. It has given me faith and built my trust. Yet what I’m seeing is that even in the smaller areas, I am still apprehensive –careful not to put myself into a position where I could be rejected or demeaned in any way. I guess this is part of my journey of walking with the Lord; learning the lesson and then having it reinforced over and over in smaller ways. I am determined to learn this and experience God’s power in my life in every way possible.
I watched a friend overcome a big fear recently. And while we laughed about it afterward, I’ve not been able to stop thinking about it. My friend and I had the opportunity to go zip-lining – something I have done before and loved – and something that she had wanted to try. Knowing she had a fear of heights, I wondered how she was going to do with the launch on the very high platform. I went first and when I got to the top and saw her climbing the rope ladder I knew she was terrified. Fear was in her eyes, her body language and clearly this was out of her comfort zone. But she did it anyway; partly because once she had started up, she felt that she couldn’t go back down – the quickest way out of the situation was to plough through it. But regardless of her reasoning, she met her fear, pushed herself and conquered it.
I think of Mary. I know she overcame many fears in her life. Initially, a young woman full of trepidation – she was giving birth to God’s son, and all the implications that came along with God’s decision to use her in the ways that he did. She clearly overcame those initial doubts as she surrendered to God’s will.
Luke 1:37-38 “37For nothing is impossible with God." 38"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said."
Throughout her son’s life I’m sure that she had situations where she was confronted with the decision to be faithful or fearful. When Jesus was lost on their trip returning from Jerusalem for the Feast of the Passover it says in Luke 2 that Mary and Joseph were anxiously searching for him – they were fearful. Also, at a later point, it says that she and her other sons were trying to pull Jesus away from the crowds. My guess is that this action was motivated by some sort of fear. I feel a connection with Mary knowing that while overall she was very faithful, even after that decision to trust the Lord in her overwhelmingly stressful situation, she still faltered throughout her life.
I’m going to continue to trust God is the big areas that I am uncertain about, but also in the smaller areas that cause me to occasionally react irrationally. And when I falter, I’ll think of Mary or various friends around me who have overcome big and small fears in their lives. I’m in good company.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Moving From Belief To Faith
For some time now I’ve been studying a very good book called “Live A Praying Life” by Jennifer Kennedy Dean. This week the study is focusing on faith and exactly where it comes from and how you get it. The author made a statement that is really germinating in my heart right now, it is:
“Faith can only come through a direct, firsthand encounter with Jesus. Belief can come through secondhand information, but belief is not faith.”
I’ve been sitting here dwelling on this statement and applying it to my life to see if it rings true, and it does for me. I had what I would label very strong beliefs for many, many years. I believed God loved me and that it was possible to have a close intimate relationship with him, but it hasn’t been until the past few years that I would say I have faith in that fact. There was a time when my belief system was very confused and I was struggling in my relationship with the Lord. My security was based on a belief system that revolved around what I did for him. If I felt I was performing up to standards, then I felt confident. However, if I was struggling to meet a set of self-imposed expectations or laws, then I was fearful and unsure of my relationship with him. Thinking in those legalistic terms, does not allow faith to grow. I remained in belief, but was never able to take that step.
Do I have all the answers? No. But, my faith is stronger and more solid than it has ever been. I believe it’s because when everything I loved and put my trust in was removed, I had to make a decision to move from a time of belief in God to faith in Him to rescue me. As I lay awake in bed for months and months fearing different life scenarios, I lived in a state of constant fear and anxiety. I believed God could help me, I wanted him to, but when he wasn’t answering my prayers the way I expected him to, I remained in a state of anxiousness. And then something amazing happened, He began showing me that even if my greatest fears were realized; his grace was there to help me in my time of need. As events unfolded, and I continued to see his hand moving, I became more and more confident, and there was a shift in my heart. I began to have a different type of personal encounter with Jesus. He was rescuing me and what I expected or wanted from him changed…and obeying him and allowing his sovereignty to reign in my heart became the issue and not all of my life circumstances.
Over and over I kept seeing his obvious hand in my life, my faith got stronger and I became confident, not in my works or in my desired outcome, but in God’s grace and unconditional love for me. I moved from belief to faith.
Hebrews 4:16 says, "Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
“Faith can only come through a direct, firsthand encounter with Jesus. Belief can come through secondhand information, but belief is not faith.”
I’ve been sitting here dwelling on this statement and applying it to my life to see if it rings true, and it does for me. I had what I would label very strong beliefs for many, many years. I believed God loved me and that it was possible to have a close intimate relationship with him, but it hasn’t been until the past few years that I would say I have faith in that fact. There was a time when my belief system was very confused and I was struggling in my relationship with the Lord. My security was based on a belief system that revolved around what I did for him. If I felt I was performing up to standards, then I felt confident. However, if I was struggling to meet a set of self-imposed expectations or laws, then I was fearful and unsure of my relationship with him. Thinking in those legalistic terms, does not allow faith to grow. I remained in belief, but was never able to take that step.
Do I have all the answers? No. But, my faith is stronger and more solid than it has ever been. I believe it’s because when everything I loved and put my trust in was removed, I had to make a decision to move from a time of belief in God to faith in Him to rescue me. As I lay awake in bed for months and months fearing different life scenarios, I lived in a state of constant fear and anxiety. I believed God could help me, I wanted him to, but when he wasn’t answering my prayers the way I expected him to, I remained in a state of anxiousness. And then something amazing happened, He began showing me that even if my greatest fears were realized; his grace was there to help me in my time of need. As events unfolded, and I continued to see his hand moving, I became more and more confident, and there was a shift in my heart. I began to have a different type of personal encounter with Jesus. He was rescuing me and what I expected or wanted from him changed…and obeying him and allowing his sovereignty to reign in my heart became the issue and not all of my life circumstances.
Over and over I kept seeing his obvious hand in my life, my faith got stronger and I became confident, not in my works or in my desired outcome, but in God’s grace and unconditional love for me. I moved from belief to faith.
Hebrews 4:16 says, "Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Standing Firm
The loud crash of thunder shook my bed and rattled the windows of the house! It was 4:45 a.m. and I was wide awake, my heart beating fast and full of fear. I was waiting for something else – only I didn’t know what. I only had 30 minutes left to sleep anyway, so I lay there half sleeping, half awake – and then fully awake once my mind became engaged.
That early morning experience is parallel to how I live at times. I’m doing fine, living life and then something happens, whether it’s big or small, that jars me awake out of my normal routine or emotions and sends me into turmoil. I remember in college after my friend died, every time I would hear her favorite song on the radio I would burst into tears. After my husband left me it seemed like I was continually running into people we both knew who, not knowing, would ask me how he was doing, or all of a sudden there were a lot of sermons about marriage at church. I felt attacked, my emotions already raw, I was very susceptible to being wounded again.
Times when I’ve felt particularly vulnerable, I have reached for the sanctuary in Ephesians 6:10-18.
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
One of the aspects of this verse that I cling to the most during those times of pain are two small words at the end of verse 13 – “to stand”. There have been times when all I could do was just stand. There was no gain, no moving forward, I was simply holding my ground; I was standing. Looking back, I see that when I’ve been in particularly difficult circumstances and I remained standing and didn’t buckle or fall, I grew. Standing firm can be growth when it takes strength and determination.
I wrote this poem a year ago when I was feeling particularly attacked. It fits well with this idea of attack, fear and the decision to stand.
I feel loss
From every angle
And with each
Beat of my heart
It seems that each time I progress
And a small healing occurs
Something else rips the bandage
From my soul
Reopening the wound
I stand here
Bleeding
Weeping
Contemplating my future
Considering the strength it will take
To continue to move forward
And so I decide to
Simply stand
I look back now and see how that daily decision to put on God’s armor and remain standing has given me peace and a measure of joy that I didn’t believe was possible, even with storms that come in the middle of the night.
That early morning experience is parallel to how I live at times. I’m doing fine, living life and then something happens, whether it’s big or small, that jars me awake out of my normal routine or emotions and sends me into turmoil. I remember in college after my friend died, every time I would hear her favorite song on the radio I would burst into tears. After my husband left me it seemed like I was continually running into people we both knew who, not knowing, would ask me how he was doing, or all of a sudden there were a lot of sermons about marriage at church. I felt attacked, my emotions already raw, I was very susceptible to being wounded again.
Times when I’ve felt particularly vulnerable, I have reached for the sanctuary in Ephesians 6:10-18.
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
One of the aspects of this verse that I cling to the most during those times of pain are two small words at the end of verse 13 – “to stand”. There have been times when all I could do was just stand. There was no gain, no moving forward, I was simply holding my ground; I was standing. Looking back, I see that when I’ve been in particularly difficult circumstances and I remained standing and didn’t buckle or fall, I grew. Standing firm can be growth when it takes strength and determination.
I wrote this poem a year ago when I was feeling particularly attacked. It fits well with this idea of attack, fear and the decision to stand.
I feel loss
From every angle
And with each
Beat of my heart
It seems that each time I progress
And a small healing occurs
Something else rips the bandage
From my soul
Reopening the wound
I stand here
Bleeding
Weeping
Contemplating my future
Considering the strength it will take
To continue to move forward
And so I decide to
Simply stand
I look back now and see how that daily decision to put on God’s armor and remain standing has given me peace and a measure of joy that I didn’t believe was possible, even with storms that come in the middle of the night.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Walking In The Vineyard
All these years I’ve spent in the vineyard
And yet, have I ever really looked
Into the eyes of the Vinedresser?
He has looked at my fruit
Dreaming of a harvest
He hasn’t yanked me from the ground
He has lovingly – yet firmly
Rubbed His hands with tender care
To smooth my branches clean.
And all that time
Believing in the harvest to come
Dreaming for me
And my whole existence has been for what purpose?
To bear fruit for a Vinedresser
Whose eyes I’ve yet to meet?
I have only seen myself muddied
And producing
An occasional bunch of grapes
And so for me – a change
To meet the eyes of the Vinedresser
To bask in His care
To walk by His side
Through the mist
Every morning
Each day
In the Vineyard
I wrote this poem years ago when I was in the midst of a time of immense change in my relationship with God. I had become very performance oriented in my walk with the Lord and desired to become more intimate and authentic. I love this poem because as I wrote it I was visualizing a walk with God through a vineyard having an intimate conversation. It was written more out of a desire to have that intimacy than actually experiencing it at that time.
I came to a realization that the very essence of a close and intimate relationship with God could be characterized by the very same things that marked my relationships with my close friends. Walking together, sharing my heart, dreams and failures, or quietly sitting and listening. Having a relationship with God wasn’t about what I could do for him; it was about who I was and how I interacted with His will and the truth that I saw in his Word. It was a big shift in my thinking, and it’s something I am still constantly aware of. I long for relationship and not a list to check off to show my worthiness.
I love John 15 and studying that chapter, as well as reading a book called “Secrets of the Vine” by Bruce Wilkinson, it helped me to retool my thinking. Verses 1-9 discuss vine and branches and their unique correlation with one another and also the gardener who cares for them. Their cohesiveness depends upon remaining together – which relates to nearness, familiarity or what I would describe as intimacy.
In the second part of John 15 an amazing concept is revealed to the disciples – friendship with their Lord and Teacher and ultimately, God. Jesus says to them in John 15:15, “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” This is a time near to Jesus’ death. He is trying to share some important concepts with these men who hold his ministry in their hands; the concept of intimate friendship. He was offering friendship with God in the flesh. They had been with Jesus for years and had seen him perform miracles, pray to God as Abba instead of Yahweh and basically silence the mouths of the Pharisees. I think it’s interesting that one of the important concepts he shares with the disciples near the end of his life is that of intimate friendship. Jesus equates knowing his “business” as companionship. I don’t think this just implies that Jesus has shared only his plans with them, but his heart along the way. That is what closeness involves, a sharing of heart and soul; and it is one of the differences between a friend and an acquaintance. An acquaintance knows you, and has possibly known you for years. But a friend knows what makes you tick, what you love, what drives you crazy or fills your heart with emotion. We can know God in the same intimate way. He wanted the disciples to transfer the intimate friendship they had experienced with him to that of God the Father as well.
My friends have helped me through several very hard times, emotionally and spiritually. I don’t know what I would have done without my closest friends at a time when it felt as if the world was falling out from underneath me. I can honestly say that I desperately needed them, and they made a seemingly unbearable situation bearable. But I didn’t call them in the middle of the night when I was awake and crying on my pillow. I prayed, and talked to my Father, who knew exactly how I felt. He was there, every single minute and situation through the entire ordeal. My Lord was ever-present and aware of my circumstances. I found that genuinely comforting, more so than I ever imagined I could.
It was during that time of uncertainty that I felt the shift occur and my bonds of intimacy with God develop in a stronger way than I ever imagined it could. I felt his presence with me then, and it has grown and deepened since. I long for the daily walks with him through the Vineyard now, and am thankful that I embarked on that journey years ago to go deeper.
And yet, have I ever really looked
Into the eyes of the Vinedresser?
He has looked at my fruit
Dreaming of a harvest
He hasn’t yanked me from the ground
He has lovingly – yet firmly
Rubbed His hands with tender care
To smooth my branches clean.
And all that time
Believing in the harvest to come
Dreaming for me
And my whole existence has been for what purpose?
To bear fruit for a Vinedresser
Whose eyes I’ve yet to meet?
I have only seen myself muddied
And producing
An occasional bunch of grapes
And so for me – a change
To meet the eyes of the Vinedresser
To bask in His care
To walk by His side
Through the mist
Every morning
Each day
In the Vineyard
I wrote this poem years ago when I was in the midst of a time of immense change in my relationship with God. I had become very performance oriented in my walk with the Lord and desired to become more intimate and authentic. I love this poem because as I wrote it I was visualizing a walk with God through a vineyard having an intimate conversation. It was written more out of a desire to have that intimacy than actually experiencing it at that time.
I came to a realization that the very essence of a close and intimate relationship with God could be characterized by the very same things that marked my relationships with my close friends. Walking together, sharing my heart, dreams and failures, or quietly sitting and listening. Having a relationship with God wasn’t about what I could do for him; it was about who I was and how I interacted with His will and the truth that I saw in his Word. It was a big shift in my thinking, and it’s something I am still constantly aware of. I long for relationship and not a list to check off to show my worthiness.
I love John 15 and studying that chapter, as well as reading a book called “Secrets of the Vine” by Bruce Wilkinson, it helped me to retool my thinking. Verses 1-9 discuss vine and branches and their unique correlation with one another and also the gardener who cares for them. Their cohesiveness depends upon remaining together – which relates to nearness, familiarity or what I would describe as intimacy.
In the second part of John 15 an amazing concept is revealed to the disciples – friendship with their Lord and Teacher and ultimately, God. Jesus says to them in John 15:15, “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” This is a time near to Jesus’ death. He is trying to share some important concepts with these men who hold his ministry in their hands; the concept of intimate friendship. He was offering friendship with God in the flesh. They had been with Jesus for years and had seen him perform miracles, pray to God as Abba instead of Yahweh and basically silence the mouths of the Pharisees. I think it’s interesting that one of the important concepts he shares with the disciples near the end of his life is that of intimate friendship. Jesus equates knowing his “business” as companionship. I don’t think this just implies that Jesus has shared only his plans with them, but his heart along the way. That is what closeness involves, a sharing of heart and soul; and it is one of the differences between a friend and an acquaintance. An acquaintance knows you, and has possibly known you for years. But a friend knows what makes you tick, what you love, what drives you crazy or fills your heart with emotion. We can know God in the same intimate way. He wanted the disciples to transfer the intimate friendship they had experienced with him to that of God the Father as well.
My friends have helped me through several very hard times, emotionally and spiritually. I don’t know what I would have done without my closest friends at a time when it felt as if the world was falling out from underneath me. I can honestly say that I desperately needed them, and they made a seemingly unbearable situation bearable. But I didn’t call them in the middle of the night when I was awake and crying on my pillow. I prayed, and talked to my Father, who knew exactly how I felt. He was there, every single minute and situation through the entire ordeal. My Lord was ever-present and aware of my circumstances. I found that genuinely comforting, more so than I ever imagined I could.
It was during that time of uncertainty that I felt the shift occur and my bonds of intimacy with God develop in a stronger way than I ever imagined it could. I felt his presence with me then, and it has grown and deepened since. I long for the daily walks with him through the Vineyard now, and am thankful that I embarked on that journey years ago to go deeper.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)